November is National Adoption Month

November has a spacial meaning in our home, and it isn't Thanksgiving. lol November is National Adoption Awareness Month and National Adoption Day on November 17.

On National Adoption Day 2007 – Saturday, November 17 – an unprecedented number of courts and communities across the nation will come together to finalize thousands of adoptions of children from foster care and to celebrate all families who adopt. The Day brings together hundreds of judges, attorneys, adoption agencies, adoption professionals, and child advocates who are dedicated to creating forever families for waiting children.


Goals of National Adoption Day 2007
• Finalize adoptions from foster care in all 50 states
• Celebrate and honor all families who adopt
• Raise awareness about the 114,000 children in foster care waiting for adoption
• Encourage others to adopt children from foster care
• Build collaboration among local adoption agencies, courts, and advocacy organizations
• Communicate availability and need for post-adoptive services


History of National Adoption Day
National Adoption Day 2007 builds on incredible efforts over the last eight years by The Alliance for Children’s Rights through the generous support of the Freddie Mac Foundation, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and others. In November 2000, National Adoption Day sponsors worked with law firms, foster care departments, child advocates, and courts to complete hundreds of foster care adoptions in nine jurisdictions across the country. In just seven years National Adoption Day has truly grown into a national celebration, with 3,300 adoptions finalized in 2006 as part of 250 events in 50 states and the District of Columbia.


National Adoption Day Sponsors
A coalition of national partners – The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Casey Family Services, Children’s Action Network, Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and Freddie Mac Foundation– sponsor National Adoption Day to draw special attention to foster children waiting for permanent families and to celebrate all loving families that adopt.

NaBloPoMo

I decided to join NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) this year. I wanted to do it last year but found out about it to late. It's a challenge to post something to your blog everyday for the month of November and was inspired by NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) whose challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

So...I started yesterday with Unschooling Voices #10 (Hello to those who are here for the first time!) and here's a post for today, so looks like I'm off to a great start. LOL My family & I are going away for a few days but we're taking the laptop so I'll be around. :-)

Here's where we're going. We're staying there to celebrate our 4 year adoption anniversary! Unfortunately, Cimion won't be there (he doesn't come home until next week-more about that another time) so it's just the four of us.

Anniversary celebration

The other day was four years that we met our kids. :-) I remember that day as if it were yesterday. We think it's important to remeber and honor those special days (such as the day we finalized) so we went to see Ghost Rider. We had actually never been to a movie all together (Billy took them twice without me) so it made it more special.
:-)

Interesting article on parents who adopt.

Study: Adoptive Parents Get High Marks
By DAVID CRARY
AP National WriterFebruary 12, 2007 NEW YORK

Adoptive parents invest more time and financial resources in their children than biological parents, according to a new national study challenging arguments that have been used to oppose same-sex marriage and gay adoption.

The study, published in the new issue of the American Sociological Review, found that couples who adopt spend more money on their children and invest more time on such activities as reading to them, eating together and talking with them about their problems.

"One of the reasons adoptive parents invest more is that they really want children, and they go to extraordinary means to have them," Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell, one of the study's three co-authors, said in a telephone interview Monday.

"Adoptive parents face a culture where, to many other people, adoption is not real parenthood," Powell said. "What they're trying to do is compensate. ... They recognize the barriers they face, and it sets the stage for them to be better parents."

Powell and his colleagues examined data from 13,000 households with first-graders in the family. The data was part of a detailed survey called the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Education and other agencies.

The researchers said 161 families in the survey were headed by two adoptive parents, and they rated better overall than families with biological parents on an array of criteria -- including helping with homework, parental involvement in school, exposure to cultural activities and family attendance at religious services. The only category in which adoptive parents fared worse was the frequency of talking with parents of other children.

The researchers noted that adoptive couples, in general, were older and wealthier than biological parents, but said the adoptive parents still had an advantage -- albeit smaller -- when the data was reanalyzed to account for income inequality.

In particular, the researchers said, adoptive parents had a pronounced edge over single-parent and stepparent families.

The researchers said their findings call into question the long-standing argument that children are best off with their biological parents. Such arguments were included in state Supreme Court rulings last year in New York and Washington that upheld laws against same-sex marriage.

The researchers said gay and lesbian parents may react to discrimination by taking extra, compensatory steps to promote their children's welfare.

"Ironically, the same social context that creates struggles for these alternative families may also set the stage for them to excel in some measures of parenting," the study concluded.

An opponent of same-sex marriage, Peter Sprigg of the conservative Family Research Council, noted that the study focused on male/female adoptive couples, not on same-sex couples, and he questioned whether it shed any new light on adoptive parenting by gays. Sprigg, the research council's vice president for policy, said he warmly supports adoption, but believes it is best undertaken by married, heterosexual couples.

Another conservative analyst, psychologist Bill Maier of Focus on the Family, said the authors of the new study seemed to be pursuing a political agenda in support of gay marriage. "Put simply, gay adoption creates families that are motherless or fatherless by design, permanently depriving children of either a mother or a father," Maier said.

Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, welcomed the study's findings, but cautioned against possibly exaggerated interpretations of it.

"It's an affirmation that there are all sorts of families that are good for kids," he said. "Adoptive parents aren't less good or better. They just bring different benefits to the table. In terms of how families are formed, it should be a level playing field."

The study was funded by the National Science Foundation, the Spencer Foundation and the American Educational Research Association. Powell's co-authors were Laura Hamilton, a doctoral student at Indiana University, and Simon Cheng, a sociology professor at the University of Connecticut.

Bag of Rocks

Cimion (our oldest son-14 years old) is struggling with a lot of emotional baggage. I don't want to get into specific details here but his inability to control his anger is leading him down a path that the rest of us are unwilling to follow. When we adopted him three years ago, we knew he had issues to deal with and we have done more to help him than we even thought we had in us.

Someone e-mailed this to me (thank you T) and I wanted to share it here because it gives insight to what he, and others like him, deal with everyday.

A Bag of Rocks
When you carry a bag of rocks around, day in and day out, you will inevitably become tired. No matter how far you walk, how hard you work, how much you try, you are still tired. Even sleep is ineffective, because you are sleeping with your bag of rocks, and when you wake in the morning you continue throughout the day carrying the bag of rocks.

Some people would ask, "Why not just let go of the bag of rocks? Stop carrying it around with you, just put them down. Can't you see that would make it easier?" But, you see, I am afraid that if I let go of the rocks there will be nothing left. The rocks are all that I have, all that I have carried with me throughout my life, all that I trust. Certainly, carrying these rocks around makes me tired. But being tired is familiar, and safe. Would you let go of all that you have in the world, if you were not certain that by doing so you would gain more?

And yet (the irony is) we cannot have the certainty of more, until we let go of what we have. As long as I am carrying this bag of rocks, my arms are much too full for me to accept anything else. Even when you offer me a bag of feathers I don't dare to take it, for how can I trust that the load you are offering me is truly a load of feathers without opening the bag? Others have offered feathers, but given lead. How can I know that the bag you offer is not heavier than my current burden unless I let go of my bag of rocks, freeing my hands to open your bag? And I cannot let go of my bag, for if I put it down it might be taken from me. Or, even worse, I may find that my arms ace far too much for me to pick up the bag again, and then I would have nothing.

Can you understand why I would despair? You ask me to give up all that I believe that I have, all that I believe that I am, and yet I cannot. The fear of having nothing--of being nothing--is far too great. You want me to give up my hatred, my anger, and my pain (but most of all my pain, for the hatred and anger are mere masks for the grief and fear I hold inside). It will make me better, you say. And yet, how can I trust you, without first giving up all that I am holding on to? And how can I give up all that I am holding, if I do not trust you? Can you not see the confusion I am living with, the overwhelming fear that controls my actions? Can you not see why I push you away? Why I cause harm to myself, and to you? Can you not see why I am afraid?

Please understand, I don't want it to be this way. I do want more, I really do. Perhaps you may have noticied how hard I try, before the despair seems too much to bear, before I give in. If only I could give up these rocks, I would have peace. I would be happy. I want to belive it, but I can't. So I continue walking, dragging my bag of rocks, and wishing for something I can never have.

I wrote this just over a year ago, as an attempt to explain to my therapist why I was holding on to so many of my destructive behaviors so stubbornly. I finally found the courage to let go of the bag and try something new--and yet at times I still go back to that bag of rocks, because it is so familiar and safe, and the new ways are still uncomfortable and scary. I am considering adding more to this piece--as I no longer feel the hopelessness I ended on a year ago. In
the meantime, I hope perhaps the piece can help parents of RADs (reactive attachement disorder) understand why it is so difficult for their children to trust, and why they may fight so hard against what you can clearly see is best for them.

I'm going to share this on my adoption board as well because I think it's such an important reminder to parents of hurting children to remember it's not about us and even though it's hard, we can not take it personally.

Day 167

This past Sunday. we had our annual Christmas party with our children's former foster parents, Pat & Bill & their new foster children (all five of them!) and Lance, their former foster brother (who also lived with Pat & Bill at the same time as my kids) and his parents, Chris & Kelly. This is the 4th year that we've done this and I hope it continues for many more years to come. :-) I know Pat & Bill enjoy seeing their "kids" as they grow up and we enjoy their company also. :-)
I took a bunch of pictures and I'll add them here as soon as I develop them. All the kids got along great and had a lot of fun playing in the yard on the trampoline and playset. We ordered pizza and made mozzerella sticks and salad. (it was yummy!) After we had desserts (chocolate cheesecake, strawberry cheesecake, pineapple cake, chocolate covered pretzels and cookies covered in white chocolate) we opened gifts by the tree.
Billy & Cimion will be seeing Lance & Chris again in a few weeks when they go to Daytona Speedway for the 5K Walk/Run. They went last year and are looking forward to going again, and possibly camping overnight at the track.

We're still watching the 25 Days of Christmas shows on ABC. Last night we watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (what a classic!). The shows end on Christmas night. What a blast seeing some of those old Christmas shows were. It brought me back to being a kid and watching with my parents. :-)

We're not ready for Christmas...but then again, we never are, so why fight it? LOL I hope you're enjoying your holiday season. :-)

A Home For The Holidays

From their website....

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and Children's Action Network are pleased to present the eighth annual "A Home for the Holidays" television special on CBS December 22 at 8 p.m. EST/PST (7 p.m. MST/CST)

Each December, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and the Children's Action Network present "A Home for the Holidays," a CBS network television special bringing together all-star talent to raise awareness for foster care adoption.

This year, the celebrity lineup includes Cedric the Entertainer, Miley Cyrus ("Hanna Montana"), Five for Fighting, Angie Harmon, Melina Kanakaredes, John Legend, Mary Mary, Katharine McPhee, René Russo, Jeri Ryan and Rod Stewart.

In addition, several extraordinary families once again share the joys they found through foster care adoption.

Since 1999, this heartwarming holiday special has generated tens of thousands of calls from viewers moved to action after hearing true stories of families who adopted from foster care and of waiting children.

Tune in and watch "A Home for the Holidays" and share, through the eyes of a child, the joy of having a family - not just for the holidays, but forever.

If you, or someone you know someone who is considering adoption and has room in their lives for an older child, I urge you watch this show. As the parent of three children that we adopted through foster care (and as a sister to my brother who my parents adopted as an older child), this is something very close to my heart.

3rd Adoption anniversary

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day we became a family. :-) We celebrate our adoption anniversary by doing something fun each year. The first year we stayed here for a week and went to Universal Studios and Wet & Wild. The next year we stayed close to home and went out for dinner and dessert. This year we decided to go away again. We'll be visting Cypress Gardens for two days and staying here, in the suites, for two nights. We're really looking forward to it! My mom is coming with us also . :-)

My youngest (age 8) made a banner for me and one for my husband. We had talked a few months back about Mothers Day in May, and how it doesn't personally mean anything to me...because it's not the day I became a mother. I told her that my mothers day is October 30th. So on the banner she wrote "Happy Mommy's Day! Happy Anniversary! Thank you for being my mom". She also made a card for my mom. :-)

Moving along the adoption path

Things have been a little stressful here lately. I haven't blogged about it although I have posted about one part of it at Forever Parents, which was the part about Cimion.

If things don't change soon, that boy is going to be the death of me. It's so difficult to live with someone who has nothing emotionally invested in us...someone who lives as if we're just his next stop in life. Billy & I have considered (actually, we still are considering it) putting him back in school just so I can get a break from him.

It's sad really...deep down he's a good kid who had the bad misfortune to be born to people who didn't care about him. We or course, get all the backlash and anger from that, even though we did nothing to cause it.

The girls are thriving....healing, happy, loving life and he's like a weight that pulls them down sometimes. It's not fair to them.

*sigh*

The end of this month will be our 3rd year adoption anniversary and we're planning a 2 day overnight trip to Cypress Gardens, here in Florida. The truth is, we may not take him. Our therapist does theraputic respite and that's where he may spend those two days. It would be foolish of me to spend several hundred dollars to be aggrivated when I can do it at home, for free. When we went to the Kennedy Space Center he was miserable most of the time and I don't really want a repeat performance.

We'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks.

The other thing is my mom. :-( After a life of ill health, her health is failing to the point where it's severly affecting her life. She can't drive anymore and she's in constant discomfort. I'm so glad she lives next door...it's easy for us to take care of her when she's so close. I'm so grateful to my husband and daughters, who love her with all their hearts and make her happy. The girls go there often, to watch a movie or just hand out and have tea. :-) Billy is always doing things for her...they have such a special relationship. :-) Through it all though, she's the same optimistic person. She not only sees her glass as half full, she sees it over flowing. :-)

I'm sorry this post is such a downer. :-( Now that I got that out I can get back to posting about all the fun stuff.

Homeschooling the older, adopted child

I have an article on A To Z Home's Cool about homeschooling a child that was adopted at an older age. I am grateful to Ann Zeise (the web owner) for giving me the space to share something I feel strongly about.

Check out her site while you're there. There is literally TONS of information on homeschooling at her site.

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Shawna (10 years old) & I had an interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago.

It started with Billy & I talking with her about how she tries to manipulate & control people. We were basically talking with her about how people want to be treated and that manipulating & controlling people, and situations is not a way to gain trust. So we asked her why she thinks she does it. She thought for a moment and said "I think it's because I was adopted". I asked her what she meant (thinking she couldn't find the right words to use) and she said "Well, kids who were removed from their home and got adopted are supposed to have problems with it, right?"

Although we openly discuss the reason she (and her two siblings) were removed from their birth home, placed in foster care and later adopted by us, I saw that she was confused about her past and she thought all her problems stemmed from being adopted, not from the abuse and neglect that led up to her being adopted.

That night while she slept, I went through all the papework that I have from when we finalized their adoption and I also got some information together on Reactive Attachment Disorder

The next day, her & I sat down and talked. I told her about the attachment cycle. This was something we discussed in great detail in our training classes (classes you must take before you can adopt an abused child). The cycle goes like this...the baby has a need (hunger, needs to be changed, illness, etc) they signal that need by crying, their primary caregiver (usually the mother) meets their needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again by the same caregiver, the baby will learn to trust and be able to continue on in their development.
On the other hand, if that need is not met, or is met inconsistantly or by different caregivers, that baby learns to not trust and that the world is unsafe. They learn that they cannot depend on adults. They learn that they must be in control of their life for their survival.
As I was talking to her, she said "That's what happened to us".

And she was right.

Children with RAD learn to see the world very differently than the rest of us. They learned in those first couple of years that they could not rely on adults to keep them safe.

Attachment Disorders range in severity. In fact, the attachment continuum runs from securely attached through degrees of attachment issues all the way to those who suffer from severe attachment disorder. Some children suffer from mild, moderate or severe attachment issues and some from mild, moderate, or severe attachment disorders. For that reason, when you seek out an attachment therapist you're asked to rate each symptom on a scale of 1-10. This checklist is what we filled out on Cimion & Shawna (Jacqueline shows no signs of RAD. When they were removed from their abusive home, she was placed with loving people that she attached to). They were both formally diagnosed with moderate attachment disorder while still in foster care and that was confirmed again when we sought out the help of an attachment therapist two years ago. Cimion was also diagnosed as passive agressive. The year they spent in attachment therapy was worth every penny and every hour we put into it and my parenting of them is a direct result of their disorder.


Regarding the above checklist...
1) All children with RAD have control issues. The key question is, “How extreme or intense is their need to be in control?” These control issues are captured in a number of the 28 symptoms listed in the checklist. The child with RAD is oppositional, argumentative, disobedient or often defiant. They are exceedingly strong-willed and will go to great extremes to be in charge. Their need to control comes from their intense fear that further harm will occur if they are once again as helpless as they were as babies.

2) Most children with RAD have problems with anger. Many will express their anger overtly, having frequent temper tantrums and a short frustration tolerance. A smaller percentage of children will be passive-aggressive and engage in annoying, frustrating, and aggravating behavior. Often this is disguised by a facade of innocence or hidden in socially acceptable behavior. For example, a child with RAD can hug a parent so hard it physically hurts. To a casual observer, it would seem the child’s hug was a loving act. In reality, the child inflicted pain, a hurtful act, within a hug, which is a loving act. This is the hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior or indirect anger.

3) Children with RAD have problems developing a conscience. In the most severe children, their conscience is entirely absent. They have no remorse, regret, or guilt when they violate their parents’ or other people’s rights. In the milder condition of RAD, the conscience is underdeveloped. A number of the items on the checklist are related to the child having little or no conscience.

4) All unattached children have trust issues. They do not trust their parents and the parents cannot trust their children. The severity of trust issues is directly related to the severity of the RAD condition. A number of the 28 symptoms assess the child’s desire and willingness to live outside their parent’s circle of control by being deceptive and disobedient. This failure to develop a bond of love, trust, and cooperation must be present in order for a child to be accurately diagnosed with RAD.

Shawna has come a long way but when I notice even the smallest sign of old behaviors, I increase my interactions with her. Time outs, grounding, punishments, etc, does not work with RAD kids. What I do is limit the number of adults she has contact with and the number of outside activites she has and spend more time with her. When I draw her closer to me and to home, I see that she feels safe and that she can feel better about trusting me. Removing her from school was one of the best things I did for her in dealing with her attachment issues.

When she & I had our talk that day, I showed her court papers she had not seen before. We also looked at the list of multiple placements she had before coming home to us. We talked about how this can effect a young child and how it changed her view of the world. In Gregory Kecks article, he talks about not minimizing the trauma these children went through and that affirming their reality is part of their healing.

Shawna has overcome large obstacles in her life and I have no doubt that she'll heal from this trauma.
She's already on her way.

Our Adoption Story: Pt. 5

Part one is here
Here's part two
Part three
This is part four

Here is a post from the Forever Parents board dated 9/30/03, the date our placement officially ended.

Today, Sept. 30, marks the end of our 90 day "trial" with our kids. As the Grateful Dead say..."what a long, strange trip it's been".
Over the next 1-2 weeks, the state will sign a consent form that gives us the okay to proceed with the adoption and then we have to sign (with a notary) the adoption decree forms. Then our lawyer takes all that to court and gets us a date.
Keep your fingers crossed for a date before Christmas.

Our caseworker, Jennifer told us that we could have extended the placement if we wanted. If we needed more time to work things out or if we just wanted to take it slower. She was so supportive of us during the whole journey and did everything she could to help us and solve any issues we had.
Our lawyer called us and the date was set for Oct. 28, which happens to be Cimion's birthday. I told them I wasn't comfortable finalizing on his birthday and that I wanted another date. I felt that that date should stand all on it's own, not have to share with someone's birthday and visa versa. Cimion & Shawna seem to have emotional issues surrounding their birthdays to begin with. Plus, with the finalization coming up, they were anxious and stressed and I just felt it was better (and would be better in years to come) if we did it on seperate dates.
As soon as I said something though, I wanted to kick myself because what if they could only give me a date months away? They called me back and our new date was set for October 30 at 8:45 AM. *whew!*

As the days got closer, Shawna & Cimion became more and more emotional. Shawna was very moody and sad, crying over little things. Cimion started acting very defiant and not doing simple things that we asked him to. It was a very touchy time for all of us and I tried to not overwhelm them by talking about the finalization to much. We discussed exactly what would happen and what they could expect from that day in court. I stepped in when well meaning people would tell them "You must be so happy to be getting adopted! How lucky you are!!". I tried to explain that yes, a part of them was happy but a big part of them was scared and anxious and nervous.
It was an emotional roller coaster of a time.

Finalization Day:

We met Jennifer (their caseworker) & Sheila (their guardian ad litem) at the court house. Sheila had bought some helium congratulations balloons for the kids and it helped to give their minds something else to think about. While we were waiting, we met a mother who was there to finalize the adoption of a little boy, also from foster care. When she looked at the kids, she said "Is that Jackie?" I said yes and that we called her Jacqueline now. She told me that she had met her at one of the foster care picnics and she had a picture of Jacqueline dancing with her son. :-) She was so happy to see that they were getting adopted together and wished us well.

Jennifer and the kids waiting in the hallway for our turn to see the judge.



When it was our turn, we were told to sit at the table on the left, with our lawyer.



The kids and Sheila were told to sit at the table on the right. Jennifer sat behind them, in the first row of seats.



The first few minutes were spent going over names, dates, addresses, proof of termination of parental rights, etc. She asked us why we wanted to adopt and then why we wanted to adopt these children. She also spoke to the kids, although they were very quiet and not talkative at all. Shawna also wanted to legally change the spelling of her name from Chawna to Shawna so we took care of that besides changing their middle and last names.

Judge Gurrola handing down her descion:



We took a picture with her afterward and she asked us to send her a copy.



When we were all done, we took Jennifer & Sheila out to lunch.

*I'm trying to locate the picture*

After that, they had to go back to work and the five of us went back to the place we had first met, that little park off the Gulf of Mexico. It was so weird going back there as a family. We hung out for a while, talked and watched the men fishing. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

While we were there, we took a picture in the same positions and in the same spot as the picture we took on the first day we met. It's great to see how we've changed!



Shawna took this picture of us:



After that we went to have their social security numbers changed. I suggest doing if you adopt a child that was removed due to abuse. It's just an extra measure of protection.

We went to visit our case worker Pat Matthews and gave her flowers. :-) She was such a big help to us and she was our biggest cheerleader throughout this.



Later on, we took my mother, Aunt Mary and cousin Maryanne out to celebrate. We went to our favorite low-key Chinese buffet and had a really nice, relaxing time. It was the end to a very emotional day.



*Last part coming soon*
*I've added some pictures to parts 2-4 today*

Related Tags: adoption

Our Adoption Story: Pt. 4

Part one is here
Here's part two
Part three

Our placement started July 2, 2003. This was a very big step for all of us. It was during placement that they were returned back to foster care by the other two familes that originally had wanted to adopt them. I knew that Cimion & Shawna were hesitant and scared and they had a very right to be. here we were, the third couple telling them that we were going to be their "forever" parents and that they could trust us. To them, those words means next to nothing.

We met Jennifer Grillo (their case worker, on the right) and Sheila Aja (their guardian ad litem, on the left) at the DCF office.



We had to sign a ton of papers like paperwork giving us permission to get them medical treatment and enroll them in school.



When we were done, we sealed it with a kiss. Jennifer said no other couples had ever asked her to take a picture of them kissing after signing. LOL!!



At this point, we had been visiting with the kids since February and had done several overnight visits. It was getting difficult to move to the next level with them going back and forth between us and their foster parents. We tried to keep their lifestyle as close as possible to the one they had with their foster parents so they wouldn't get to confused. Things like bedtimes, certain rules, meal times.

When they moved in we spent a lot of time working on the house to accomodate three extra people and their stuff. School was out so we had lots of free time to hang out and get to know each other better.

Cimion was on his best behavior all through placement, as he had been throughout our visting period. We knew his true self would emerge soon and we were ready.

Cimion & Shawna continued with their speech/language therapy, occupational/physical therapy, med. check ups and mental health therapy throughout all this.
We also went to register Jacqueline for kindergarten. (If I knew then what I knew now, I would have homeschooled her from the start)

Some highlights during this three month period was the kids calling us mom and dad, Shawna telling me she hated me and Cimion insisting he had an uncle that was coming to get him. Never a dull moment!

During this time also, we started calling the youngest one by her real name, Jacqueline. She had been called Jackie up to that point but we weren't really fond of that name. Also their foster parents told the kids that they should start calling them by their first names, Pat & Bill, instead of mom and dad.

The following pictures were all taken during our placement, from July-October of 2003.

Swimming in our pool:



We invited their foster family over a lot during that time (and we currently still keep in touch with them). This was one of the visits with their foster mom Pat, foster brother Lance (who got adopted the following year by a couple not far from us and we enjoy getting together.) and their foster sister Jessica.



Playing dress up with Billy: (Isn't he a cutie?)



Jacqueline's 5th birthday:



Cimion's 11th birthday:



Continued in part five

Related Tags: adoption

Our Adoption Story: pt. 3

Read part one here.

Read part two here.

We continued to visit with them on the weekends and talking on the phone during the week. Billy was able to get every weekend off for several weeks in a row so we could have time with them.
I felt very strongly that we not buy them gifts or take them to many places in the beginning. There is a tendency to give foster children lots of stuff, I guess to make up for the shitty life they have. But i think all that does is create more problems for them (and their parents) later on. Things can not replace love and attention. Once we've established love and attention and trust, then buying them things is not taking the place of anything.
Simply put, we (my husband & I) had to be enough. Just us...not what we could buy them.
So we had picnics, went to the park, hung out in our pool and played games, and during those times, we talked and we listened.

My mom & Jacqueline in front of our home:



This next post is from 3/18/03 and was titled "We just spent our first weekend with the kids".

I'm wiped out! LOL
Not so much from them doing anything wrong...just from having three kids in the house, well four if you count my husband. Guess who broke my gazing ball with the basketball on Saturday and a drinking glass by pushing a swing to hard on Sunday? No, not the little kids...it was the big one...the 37 year old one!
The weekend was pretty good. There was a lot of testing and watching us from all three of them. Their foster mom sent them with a lot of their toys so they had a lot to play with. She told us to keep all the stuff she packed at our house and that she would send them with more things every time we pick them up. They have more stuff than i did at their age! Cimion (the 10 yr. old boy) even has his own computer! We discussed how to treat my dog & iguana and that went over well. We went over some of the rules, like no hitting and not going into our bedroom.
We're picking them up again this Saturday and they're staying with us for NINE DAYS!!!!!!!! It's spring break and their case worker asked us if we would like to have them and of course we said yes. Our placement won't start until school ends so it'll give us a chance to get used to having them in the house.
Looks like we're moving right along.

Easter 2003, in front of our home (the white fence is lo longer there):



Over the next several weeks, we continued spending time with them, meeting with their case worker, talking with their foster parents and getting to know them, and then getting to know us.

Here is an update post I wrote on 5/503:

We're still visiting with the three kids when school is not in session, like weekends and holidays. When school is over, we'll do a 10 day visit, then they'll go back to their foster home for about 4-5 days, then they'll come back for a 3 week visit, which will bring us to the end of June. Towards the end of that 3 week visit, we'll meet with our case worker and let her know if we want to start placement. If we're all in agreement, they won't leave after that visit and our placement will start July 1 and continue for about 3 months. If that goes well we'll probably finalize late September, early October.

Things have been going okay, nothing we haven't been able to handle. Cimion (the 10 yr. old boy) is on his best behavior for fear that we'll send him back. It isn't like he's a behavioral child to begin with, he's pretty easy going but right now he's just to good to be true. I know he'll let his guard when he feels more comfortable and as he trusts us more. Chawna (8 next month, girl) is a handful. One of the issues she's got is terrible social skills; never says please or thank you, doesn't share, doesn't take turns etc. She's like a 2 year old in that way. She's got some other issues but this is the one that really needs some help fast. Jacqueline (4 yr. old girl) has been acting out lately (tantrums, whining) and it's all coming from this confusion of being adopted and having to leave her "mom". She's been with their foster mom since she's 9 months old and, to her, this is her mommy.

Things are actually going well though! We have boundries, rules & consequences set in place. It'll be easier to enforce them when they move in and for right now we pick & choose our battles. We've met with their therapists & teachers and they all say that they talk about us in a positive way and that they want to be adopted.

Billy & I are attending the adoption conference in Orlando this weekend (Thursday-Saturday) and then picking up the kids for an overnight visit until Sunday so I won't be around until after that. We're looking forward to the conference, the agency is paying for our registration & hotel. I'll tell you guys all about it when we get back and the kids leave.

Billy & I with our adoption case worker Pat at a weekend long adoption conference in Orlando. She nominated us and we were chosen out of all the couples in our county.
Here is a picture of us with Pat, at the conference:



Continued in part four

Related Tags: adoption

Our Adoption Story: pt. 2

Here is the link to part one.

Our homestudy got approved and we continued looking at files. We found one of two girls and decided to meet them at one of the picnics. They were 6 & 7 year old and we deicded to find out more about them. About a week later we were told that the younger one was being to abusive to the other and they had decided to adopt them seperately but that the younger one wasn't ready yet and were we still interested in the older one. We decided to pass because we were really interested in siblings.
Then Pat called us to say that the three siblings that were in placement with the other family, had been returned back to their foster home because it didn't work out! Wow, talk about mixed feelings. I felt horrible for those kids, being rejected like that but I was happy that we had a chance to meet them.
Their caseworker, Jennifer called us and we set up an appointment to meet with her and read their file.
They had been in foster care for 4 years, having been removed at 9 months, almost 4 years old and 6 and a half years old. They had been seperated for a year because they couldn't find one home for all three but they did visits with them when possible. Their last three years in foster care was in one home, with foster parents Pat & Bill and two other foster children, a 5 year old boy and a 17 year old girl. We found out they were biologically related on the bio. mothers side (she's white) and that there had been three different bio. fathers, two black and one white, which would explain the difference in skin color, Shawna being white and Jacqueline & Cimion being biracial.
We read about the abuse and neglect they suffered while still in the care of their bio. mother. We all know child abuse exists but to read about it from police and court reports in detail is stomach turning.
We also found out that the failed placement was their second failed placement. My God! That is so damn damaging to these babies! To be rejected after being hyped once is bad enough but to have it twice is cruel. What the hell is wrong with these families??!! Don't they know these are human beings they're playing with? It makes me so sad to think about what they went through.
Because of their two failed placements, Jennifer wanted to wait a while before we met them and even said that Shawna told her she didin't want to meet anymore families. We spent about a month, meeting with Jennifer, reading their files, meeting with their teachers, former caseworkers and therapists. We knew more about these three than they even knew about themselves.

I went back to the archives of Forever Parents and found some of my old posts and I'm going to copy them here as I go along. I'll post them in italics.

This one is from 2/22/03 and is titled "A Possible Match"

We've been spending the last 2-3 weeks reading the file of a sibling group of 3. (ages 4, 7 & 10, two girls and a boy). We've met with their worker several times, the district supervisor and the guardian ad litem. We still have to meet with their teachers, therapists and foster parents. Their case worker gave us a copy of The Battered Child.
It's a little hard to be happy though. The only reason why these children are even available is because their biological mother negelcted and abused them and even spent time in prison for felony child abuse. It's a weird feeling for me to know that these childrens suffering is what's making this possible. Does that make sense and has anyone ever felt that?
Their biological mother is white and they each have different biological fathers. The middle child has a white b.father and the other two have black b.fathers, making them bi-racial.
The youngest one is basically doing okay and doesn't have any memory of her b.parents and the abuse. The middle child has been diagnosed with ODD & ADHD. The oldest one has been diagnosed with ADHD and is developmentally delayed. They had 2 failed placements and that sent up a big red flag for me. The information we received was that the first placement was over a year ago and failed after about 3 weeks because the couple was having marital problems and decided to get a divorce. The second placement was a few months ago and also ended after 3 weeks. This one ended due to several issues. One was that the wife favored the middle child and was ignoring the other two. Also the husband talked his wife into the placement and she wasn't ready for 3 children. The oldest told the wife that he hated her and she said that she felt that he would get violent, although he didn't and has no history of violence.
I think we're going to try and meet them Friday. We've been stopping ourselves from becoming emotionally involved until we meet them and we're doing a pretty good job of keeping a level head with this. The district supervisir did say that the middle girl has been diagnosed RAD and also possibly having PTSD. He said that so many of the symptoms are the same that it's hard to actually say she has one disorder over another and that it's probably a combination of several. He also said that whatever disorders she does have are mild to moderate. Although most of the physical abuse was directed at the boy, the middle girl was affected the most because she took on the "mother" role and feels responsible for her siblings.
*sigh* What problems these kids have in their short lives.

Finally the day came.
On February 28, 2003, we met them at a small picnic area off the Gulf of Mexico. Jannifer was there and also Sheila Aja, their guardian ad litem. We stayed about 3 hours and basically, just hung out and kept it very casual. We bought a camera and took some pictures and Sheila bought a couple of board games.

This is our first group picture:



Jacqueline (4 years old) was very quiet and in the shadow of her sister the whole day. Shawna (7 years old) was mean and controlling, especially toward Jacqueline and Cimion (10 Years old) was on his best behavior and told me he loved me. How sad.
As we were leaving, I asked Shawna if they wanted to meet with us again and she said "Okay, as long as you don't lie to us".
Wow.

This post was from 2/28/03 and was titled "We met the kids".

Oh boy! We just got back from meeting the sibling group that we're considering. We spend about 2 hours with the three of them, their guardian ad litem and their caseworker. It went really well. The boy spent a lot of time with my husband, which is what the case worker had told us he would do. Most of his conversations with me were about his imaginary uncle that takes him places and does things with him. The middle girl was looking for attention, especially when we gave it to one of the other kids. The little was was fine and talked to both of us. All three of them are really cute kids and were on their best behavior.
We went to their foster house afterwards and made plans to call them during the week and to see them again next Saturday. It's hard to tell anything from the first meeting because like I said, they were on the best behavior. As we were getting ready to leave, I asked them if they wanted to get together with us again and they all said yes. The middle girl looked at me and said, rather seriously, "No lies, okay?". So sad that a 7 year old girl would feel it needed to say that. They've been hurt and they don't want to be hurt again.

This post is from 3/4/03:

We spoke to them on the phone tonight. The little one was all giggles and she sounds like Minnie Mouse so it was hard to understand her. The middle one is very cautious about this being they just had a failed placement last fall. She verbalizes what all three are feeling. The older boy is quite talkative and wanted to know when they could see our house. I'm wiped out just talking to them on the phone!!

Continued in part three

Related Tags: adoption

Our Adoption Story: pt. 1

Pre-Adoption: Our Life Before

My husband Billy & I always knew we wanted to adopt. We had talked about it, several times, early on in our relationship. Personally, I never had the feeling that I wanted to be pregnant. I'm not quite sure why, it's just something I've always known. As a matter of fact, the idea of becoming a mother didn't occur to me until I was way in my 30's.

Billy & I got married in 1994, having been together 6 years before that. Our life was pretty wild when we met and continued through out our early marriage. We were very active in the hard rock/heavy metal scene in New York City and "sex, drugs & rock & roll" were the norm.

In 2001, our lives were forever changed and it was the start of a new chapter for us. By that time, we had sewn more than our fair share of wild oats and life was pretty calm. We had decided early in 2001 to move to Florida the following year. Buying a house in NYC is just to difficult (unless you're making mega bucks) and we didn't want to have to struggle each month.

My mother had recently remarried and they bought a winter place in Central Florida so we went there a few times to see how it was. We decided to buy a house there and they also decided to make a permanent move there. One of my longest friend, Adrienne, also lived in Florida (she moved when we were 16) and she lived about 30 minutes away with her husband & 3 kids so this was really something we were all excited about!

In August of 2001, Adrienne's husband George (everybody called him Squeak) died of a massive heat attack at the age of 42. We immediately flew to Florida to be with Adrienne and her kids. I can't even find the words to tell you how much we loved Squeak. Although we lived in different states, the four of us had become very close over the years and had visited each other many times. Just the previous year, Billy & I helped Adrienne locate her birth family and they had their reunion at my home. Billy took a short leave from work and we stayed in Florida for a while to help out and be close.

A short while after we flew home, the events of September 11 shook our world like nothing else. We lost two friends that day and more aquaintances that we knew we even had. My cousin is a firefighter with the FDNY and we attended some of the memorial services and funerals for some of the firefighters in our neighborhood. Our thoughts and what we dealt with regarding September 11 and the aftermath, is a whole other story that I'll tell at another time.

We were hurting because we lost Squeak and trying to comprehend what was going on around us in our devistated city when life had another twist for us. Two weeks later, my mother's husband, Tony had a heart attack and died, on their two year wedding anniversary.

This was a man who had become a father to Billy & I. The four of us lived in the same house (us in the upstairs apartment and them downstairs) and we were very close. To lose so many people and live through so much tragedy changed us in ways that would become a blessing later on and is a deep part of who we are today, which is why it's important to our adoption story.

Our plans to move to Florida were up in the air now, we had lost Tony, who was going to move with us and we had lost Squeak who was supposed to be there in Florida when we moved. Plus, our city was in mourning and we didn't feel right leaving so soon. After many soul baring discussions, we decided to make the move but didn't leave until early 2002.

Starting the Process:

Moving to Florida, after being born and raised in Brooklyn was a culture shock! It's actually been a very positive thing for us, we really like it here. And all we ever meet is fellow New York transplants anyway. :-)

As soon as we closed on our house, we started the adoption process. We had talked about adoption all through our relationship. We really weren't in a rush to be parents. We just kept talking and discussing and investigating all the different ways to adopt so they when we were ready, we would already know what we wanted to do. In the course of all our discussions, there were two issues that we felt strongly about.

One, we knew that we wanted to adopt domestically. We saw no need to look outside our own country when there are children waiting to be adopted here. Second, we didn't want an open adoption. We didn't want to have the committment of having a birthmother in our lives after the adoption was final. Sending pictures and possible visits was something we weren't comfortable with so we didn't pursue that route. We decided to adopt a child (already legally freed for adoption) through the foster care system.

Our Homestudy:

The first part of our homestudy was to take a 10 week MAPP class. MAPP means Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting. The class was designed to expose you to the realities that these kids face in their biological home and in foster care. It touched on a lot of different topics such as attachment disorder, sexual and physical abuse and we spent some time talking about our own childhoods. There were a lot of exercises that were designed to help us put ourselves in the childrens shoes.

I found it to be very informative and Billy & I participated in a lot of the discussions. The two women who ran it did a fantastic job. One of the women, Pat, was an adoptions case worker and the other (her name slipped my mind) was an adoptive parent. We were one of 6 couples and Billy & I both got the impression right away that the majority of the couples were looking to impress the agency and give all the "right" answers.

One time we were on the topic of different ways that these kids act out and one of them was inappropriate masturbation. When Pat said those words, you could hear a pin drop. I think one of the women actually gasped. LOL!! I was the only one who stayed calm and said that I would simply tell them to do it in private. All the parents joked that they were going to send me their kids when they hit puberty.

Towards the end of the class, we were assigned to a caseworker and we were thrilled that Pat took us on. We had started to build a connection with her during our MAPP class and we felt that she knew us very well.

She came to our home about a week later and we spent some time together. She said she was impressed with our openness and honesty during the class. She also said that she thought that because we were personally involved with September 11 and that we had lost so many close people in our lives, it would help us understand the loss these type of kids felt and that we would be able to understand the grieving process (which we spent time talking about in MAPP class). She also said that our "colorful" past would help us not be shocked at anything these kids did.

In the end, Pat would prove to be our loudest supporter and cheerleader but more about that later.

At this time we started talking to Pat more about what kind of child would be a good match for us. We mentioned that we wanted to adopt more than once, maybe over a few years. She asked us if we had considered a sibling group. We hadn't, but the idea interested us. We started looking at the Florida's photo listing of available children while our homestudy was being completed.

When I came across that first picture of my children (before they were mine, of course), it made me take a second look because it was the only multiracial sibling group I had seen. The picture showed "J" at age 3, "S"at 6 and "C" at 9. They were absolutely adorable and I asked Pat about them.

She told me that she had inquired about them and they were in placement with another family. Placement is the next step after you've been visiting with a child for a while. They move in with you for a period of 90 days. Once the 90 days are finished, you can petition the court to finalize the adoption. She also said that the picture was old and they were now 4, 7 & 10. I was a little disappointed that they were placed, but of course, I was happy for them.

We started looking at files and even went to two of the adoption picnics that DCF held. I have to hand it to the case workers at the agency we dealt with. They're a bunch of very dedicated people and they try hard to get these kids faces out there. Some people may not like their methods, but the goal is to get these children adopted, not worrying about offending people every person out there.

The only down side to Florida is they don't allow gay people to adopt. Florida is one of the few states that discriminate against gay people in this way. But that's another rant, another post.

Continued in part two

Related Tags: adoption, adopt, adopting

Anniversary

A couple of weeks ago, my family had an anniversary. It was 3 years ago that Billy & I met our children. :-)

We spent some time looking at pictures from that day and talking about things that happened and how we felt. We've all changed so much from that day.

I've haven't blogged about the journey that led us to adopting our three children. Most of my posts have been about what's happening now. It may take me a little while but I'm going to start from the beginning with my Day Fifty post.

More on RAD

Billy, Cimion and our friends that went, had a great time at Daytona on Saturday. Cimion was so excited to be seeing a Nascar race live! They got a few autographs and Billy bought Cimion 2 small die cast cars. He even bought one for Jacqueline because it was the Disney Princess car. :-)

Unfortunately, over the next two days, Cimion was very argumentative, short tempered and did a lot of crying. This behvaior is typical for Cimion after we do something out of sync with our routine or he's in an unfamiliar place or situation. We saw a little bit of it on Sunday, Monday was a normal day but then Tuesday was when it exploded.
He reverted back to some old behaviors and spent the day arguing, pouting, crying and being very disruptive to the rest of us. I told him to stay in the back yard play area, which has the trampoline, playset and the bikes. We had talked about other ways to handle these feelings and I like to keep him near the physical stuff so he has a way to work it out if he chooses to. He'd much rather wallow in self pity and keep telling himself how bad he is though. Also, when his behavior is like this, I keep him seperated from Jacqueline. She's had to live with his issues far to long and it had started affecting her. I can't let Cimion heal at her expense. She has a right to thrive and grow without having his behaviors in her face all the time.
I stayed outside in the back yard for the most part, just cleaning and gardening.
He basically ignored me, kept his head down and sulked.
After about 10 minutes I saw him over on the other side of the yard. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he wanted to get the football. I asked him if he remembered what I had just told him 10 minutes earlier. He said yes, that I told him to stay in the play area.
At this point I want nothing more than to say "Okay, no big deal" and walk back inside.
But I can't.

A child with attachment disorder sees the world very different than we do. They learn ,early on not to trust adults. It doesn't matter how much love we show him. They believe the only way to stay safe is to push all adults away, especially any adults who try to show them love. Control is the thing that drives them and they use defiance, manipulation, violence to keep you away.

So at this point, I have two choices...walk away and show him that I'm not strong enough to handle him (in his mind, I can't take care of him) or finish what I started.

Past experience with Cimion has taught me that this stage is where it has always gone from bad to worse. This is the stage where he has broken doors, chairs and hurt himself.
But, the good news is (yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel!) that I've been working with him on moving forward. I've been trying to show him that although he didn't do as I asked him to (which is one of his two rules, the other being respect everyone in the house) the rest of the week doesn't have to go downhill. That he can, apologise, offer restitution and move forward instead of raging, crying and dragging himself as far down as he can go. That he actually has a choice. It's been so hard for him to grasp that it doesn't have to be this way.

So....
Very calmly I remind him that he broke one of his two rules.
Very calmly, he apologised.

So far, so good.
I told him that because he didn't do as I asked, I wanted him to sweep the cemented area of the front and back yard.
At this point, he usually will rage for the next 2-3 days and then sweep.
I felt myself basically holding my breath, hoping that all the work we've been doing will get him through the next few minutes.

He picked up the broom and went to work.
I went inside and cried.
Sometimes you just have to release it.

Facts about RAD from various online sources:
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a psychological disorder that occurs during the first two years of life when a child does not attach and bond properly to their primary caregiver. Fundamental processes do not occur resulting in on-going rage, fear of attaching to anyone, lack of trust, an unusual effort to control everything in their lives, a lack of self worth, and an inability to fully comprehend cause and effect.
Attachment-disordered children are guided only by what they want at the moment. Their focus is self-centered and there is no concern for how their behavior impacts others. Behavior and attitude is similar to those diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.
Children with RAD will not love you until they can trust you. They will test you over and over to see if you mean what you say...to prove that you are trustworthy.
RAD behavior is often an effort to feel safe. What they're trying to do is prove that no one is strong enough to be in control of them. They make efforts over and over to prove that you can't control them, which then reinforces their fear that no one is strong enough to keep them safe.
Children with RAD either avoid forming personal relationships (the inhibited or unattached type) or they seem overly friendly to everyone, without making any distinctions between their parents and strangers (the uninhibited or indiscriminate type). In both cases, there is no real trust. The children treat other people either as threats to be avoided or as suckers to be fooled and manipulated.

After he swept, we talked about change and choices and moving forward. Cimion is just at the very beginning stages of wanting to change. The next 6-12 months will be tough for him, just like last year was for Shawna.
Changing behaviors and thought processes are never easy but they're extremely scary for hurt children. They believe that if they get close to someone, something bad will happen, that they will be hurt or possible even die. Their life depends on staying emotionally detached.

He has come a long way in the two years that we adopted him. My goal with him right now to to stop the rages and the explosions. The more I can keep him rational and calm, the better off he is.

One step at a time.

Reality of the hurt adoptee

A local magazine, Family Times, interviewed me in September about older child adoption. One of the issues I spoke about was when people tell my children that they "have a new life now" or that what happened to them is "in the past".

I couldn't disagree more.

It's still the same life, just a new chapter in it.
What happened in their earlier years are part of who they are today, not just in some other life.

We don't try to make it pretty.
We don't minimize or maximize it.
We don't dwell on it and we don't shove it in a box and hide it.
It is what it is.

In Gregory Keck's book, Parenting the Hurt Child, he had this to say;

Recent trends in adoption lean toward openness, truth, and full disclosure. While most agencies share nearly all information with adoptive families, there is still not agreement on what constitutes the "total truth".

This is particularly true in the case of adoptees who have experienced trauma prior to adoption. The concern is that they will be hurt when faced with the truth about physical or sexual abuse, neglect, parental drug addiction, or difficult circumstances surrounding their removal from the birth family. However, it isn't the knowledge of a horrid past that causes their hurt--it's the hurtful experience itself. Most children who have been removed from a bad situation and finally adopted remember much of what occurred in their birth families. While their memories are not always well organized and intact, they are there in some form.

The trauma of hurt children who are placed in adoptive homes is often so dramatic that the adults involved in the situation cannot deal with it. I believe that is why parents and social workers sometimes focus too much on what few "positives" there are about hurtful birth parents and inadvertently minimize the truth for the child.

Time after time, I see beautifully constructed life books with nice pictures of people from the child's early life. That is fine - especially if one is trying to create good feelings. However, the stark reality is that if everyone at home were always smiling around the birthday cake or playing happily in the park, the child would NOT have been removed from the family.

In our attempt to be respectful to those who hurt their children, I believe we further confuse those children. We are not affirming their reality.

Children most often know the truth--they lived it! We need to validate their truth, document their truth, and where possible, show them the truth.

Trauma is subjective. Therefore, we must present the facts as they were, and then allow it to become the child's "job" to reframe it, repackage it, and put it together in his understandable form. We can only affirm who he is when we give him the truths and allow him to integrate or discard them as he wishes.

In their efforts to protect the child emotionally, and perhaps to safeguard themselves as well, parents and professionals too often try to "make nice". But we cannot change reality. We shouldn't, nor should we try to make bad things good and good things bad. This attempt causes great cognitive dissonance, further perplexing the child and clouding his reality.

It is neither the adoptive parent's job nor the professional's job to protect the child from his past. In fact, it is not possible to do this. It is, however, possible and necessary to protect the child from present and future dangers.

Once such danger is the distortion of the reality. Full disclosure should apply to all aspects of the adoptive process. I don't feel that we should keep any information about a child from that child. And I don't think we have to wait until he is old enough to understand what happened to him. After all, most atrocities committed by parents are done before their children can truly understand them. We talk to babies. We explain to our children about being sorry long before they have a conscience or understand the concept. If parents waited for a child to "be ready" before they said or did something, no child would ever "get it."

The fact is--hurt children have been exposed to things we don't like. We need to help the child heal, and to do so we need to be honest--even when we don't like the truth. Affirmation requires the truth, and the truth is affirming. Like pieces of a puzzle, each piece of information begins to complete the very complicated picture. Even when the picture is ugly, one can see the whole when there are not too many holes.

Related Tags: adoption

Shawna's med change

Part One:
It's been 3 weeks since we took Shawna off Adderall and we're so happy with the way things have been going. When we adopted her she was on 4 different medications (for ADHD, depression, allergies & asthma) and we now have her down to two (wellbutrin for depression/anger and advair for asthma) I think we'll be taking her off the advair soon also. When she was in foster care, one of the parents was a smoker and that contributed to it. Now, she lives with non-smokers and we don't allow smoking in our house or car.
With her not being cooped up in school all day, there's really no need for her to be on Adderall. My three are very active and Shawna has a lot of opportunity to be physical. So far, it's going great and I doubt I'll put her back on it. This is such a big step for her and I'm so proud of how she is handling it. :-)

Part Two (8/06)
The big news around here is that as off the beginning of this month, Shawna is off ALL her medication! This has been such a long, roller coatser ride of a journey with her.
When we met her in 2002, she was an angry and controlling 7 year old. Her diagnoses included Reactive Attachment Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, had been physically and sexually abused, had dealt with far to much rejection, had tried to control her siblings through extremely inappropriate sexual behavior, was in speech & language therapy, physical & occupational therapy, mental health therapy, attachment therapy, had developmental delays and very little conscience. She was taking Adderall, Wellbutrin and some kind of prescribed sleep aid. :-(
She was discharged from some therapies, we stopped some of them on our own over the last 18 or so months, she was taken off adderall in March and today was her last day on wellbutrin.
I'm so proud of her. :-)
She decided, about a year ago, that her need for a family outweighed her need to control and that was the start of her taking her life back. The ironic thing is..she has more control over her life now than she ever did. It's all postive though. :-)