12/30/2007

Wanting/Not Wanting This Year To End

I'm usually an optimistic person.
I get that from my mother.

But 2007 really kicked me in the ass.

Hard.

This year, for the first time ever, I have mixed feelings about starting a new year. Usually I look forward to new beginnings, be it a new day or a new year.

So many stressfull and painful events happened to my family & I this year and to 2007 I say, Good Riddance! You're like an annoying guest who over stays their welcome.

But stronger than that is the part of not wanting it to be over. Not wanting a new year to start. Not wanting it to start without that incredible force that's been with me since my start. Like how I felt when summer turned into autumn without her, I don't want a new year to start without her here. It's like being forced to leave her behind.
She was part of 2007.
She will not be part of 2008.

Billy tells me she's here...with us...her spirit, her presence...in out hearts and in our home. Most times I believe him...he sounds so comforting that I want to believe it.

I remember one particular New Years Eve...it was the end of 2001, going into 2002. So much death that year...close family members... friends...neighbors. All that pain...still so fresh and raw. Billy, myself, my mother and Aunt Mary drove to Atlantic City to ring in the New Year. We were okay until we got to the end of the countdown.

3...2...1...tears. The four of us hugged and cried. It was so moving and powerful I can still remember standing there...with hundreds of other people around us, thick in the craziness that is Atlantic City and feeling so connected to these three other people. We cried because a new year had just started without people that we loved.

And then we got shitfaced and gambled. :-)

*Happy New Year Mommy*

2 comments:

Kim said...

Let the winds of time blow in some good stuff for you this new year. I know exactly how you feel!

Joanne said...

Thank you Kim. :-)