Love and Lying

Shawna lied to me last night.

It's not important what she lied about. What's important is how I handled it. And I feel pretty good about that.

We went outside on the deck, just her & I, and spoke about how difficult it is to have a trusting relationship with someone if they lie to you. I asked her if she believed me when I tell her something and she said that she did. I asked her why. She thought for a moment and said, because you tell me the truth. I asked her how that felt to her and she said that it felt good and comfortable. I told her that it means a lot to me to have that same exact feeling towards her. We talked for about 30 minutes about how relationships are built, over time and that when the foundation is trust and honesty, that relationship can grow and withstand anything.

I knew she felt bad. She's very sensative and emotional and her relationship with me is very important to her. I felt bad also. Being lied to, especially by someone you love, is not a very good feeling.

After she went to bed, I wrote her a note and put it in a spot where she would see it when she woke up. It said:

Dear Shawna,
I want you to know that even though you lied to me, YOU ARE LOVED!
I love you no matter what.
Love, Mommy

It's very important to Shawna to know that she's loved even when she does something I may not agree with or like. Because she was adopted by us at an older age (she was 8 when we adopted her...she's now 12), the concept of unconditional love is one she's slowly understanding.

When I saw her this morning, she came over and hugged me and said "I love you too. Thank you for the note. It made my eyes get watery when I read it".

So...no puninshments here, no shaming or yelling or threats.

Just discussion, examining our feelings and love.

Lots of love.


Marla Fauchier Baltes said...

That is very sweet. Lying is a part of growing up. Learning how to forgive, show love and move on is not easy, you are teaching your daughter so much more than you know.

Joanne said...

Thank you. :-) And you're right-it's not easy. It was something I actually stopped and took a moment to think about.